the art of faking adulthood

I tend to equate becoming a "grown up" with being a volunteer search-and-rescue crew member in one of those high profile missing people cases. You want to help find the person, but you don't actually want to FIND the person, if you know what I'm saying.

If you're like me, you're stuck in this in-between where you want to become an adult, but you're still figuring it out. Here's how I've figured out how to fake it until you make it:


1. More coffee, less cream.

Nothing looks more grown up than filling your 3rd cup of the morning to the brim with black coffee because you are serious business and don't have time for children's games like "let's add some cream and make this actually enjoyable to drink".

+2 points if you try to refute the above statement by saying, "I actually PREFER my coffee black!"

2. Condescending baby voice. About EVERYTHING.

Normal you would've said: "I like your dog. It's cool."

Adult you will say: "Oh, let me meet this precious little guy! What's this sweetheart's name? Is your name Baldrick? IS IT? Oh, hi sweet Baldrick, oh you love kisses, you love kisses!"

3. 5:00 Happy Hour.

Pretend like it isn't a totally inconvenient time of day to interrupt your True Blood marathon, put on your "I just got off of work and need to decompress over some vague small talk and a beer!" face and get out there, soldier!

+ 2 Points if you show up at 5:25, look at the host/hostess and shake your head, "Everything just piled up on my desk today- couldn't get out of there on time. I SURE could use a drink, har har."

+3 Points if the host/hostess is still willing to fake-laugh as if he/she hasn't heard that from every customer before and will not be hearing it ever again.

4. Accidentally leave your work badge on when you're meeting with acquaintances at said Happy Hour.

"Oh! Wow, I always forget to take this darned thing off when leaving the office. Security is just so intense over there. Silly me."

5. Resist the urge to chase the gulls and the geese.



I actually don't want to hear that you can walk along the shoreline, notice the flock of seagulls to your left, and continue on your way. If you still don't feel the slightest urge to drop your phone, shoes, and boyfriend to set off at a dead sprint for the birds (while waving your arms and yelling various profanities), you are officially an adult- read no further.

Anyways, don't do this.

6. Claim that you need to check your planner/schedule/calendar before making any decision.

"Christmas dinner when? the 25th of...oh, December? Yeah, let me pull out my blackberry real quick and make sure I'm not about to double up!"

If you DO pull out your smartphone to do this, take this opportunity to make a discreet play on Words With Friends.

7. Business casual, ESPECIALLY when going to a casual event.

Make it look like you may or may not have just flown in on the corporate jet juuuust in time to catch a cab over to your girlfriend's place for that Jersey Shore marathon.

Never mind that a) you actually spent the day in your sweats watching Titanic on E! for the 3rd time b) you live in suburbia where the use of a cab is totally impractical and c) you would never, EVER pay for a cab..even if you could afford it.

8. Don't watch Jersey Shore.

In theory. Don't actually stop watching it. Ever.

9. Feign indifference to things in which you are interested, feign interest in things to which you are indifferent.

Normal you would've said: "OMGOMGOMG the last Harry Potter came out and I cried and how great was the Ron and Hermione kiss?"

Adult you will say: "Your little niece dressed up for that one magic movie? How adorable! But, wait, what's this about the new plastic bag ban at Winco?? This is America!"

10. Definitely do NOT make it seem like you have any time for blogging.

On second thought...

If you're like me, anywhere from none to nadda% of these sounded appealing at all. Maybe I'll just stick to being me, and I'll let adulthood make its way to into my life gradually. No faking it.

+2 points if you agree.